lessons from Christmas break

This post has been several weeks in the making, though this is the first time I've actually sat down and started  to write it. Most of these thoughts have primarily been just that - thoughts - up to this point, though I've had a few conversations with various friends that have touched on some of them. As I head into semester two of nursing school and leave behind the solace which has been Christmas break, I'm already finding myself in need of a reminder of some of the gifts the Lord has given me over the past month, so that I can focus on His goodness rather than on circumstances that all too quickly leave me frustrated and overwhelmed.

By the end of an incredibly hectic semester of adjusting to being a full-time nursing student while continuing to work full-time as well, I really was at the end of myself; I was a mess. Constant busyness, along with several less-than-ideal situations that occurred at both school and work, left me desperate to get to Christmas break and a change of pace. I felt like I was holding my breath as I charged toward the end of the semester, unable to come up for a breath of air until it was all over. I couldn't stop; I didn't have time. So. Much. To. Do. I was tense, I was easily irritated, and I was more stressed out than I even realized.

Mere hours after I finished my last final, Paul and I headed out for Haiti. Crazy, yes, to add the stress of preparing for international travel while finishing up the semester; nonetheless, I am immensely thankful that we left town as soon as it was over. Like I said, I was desperately in need of a change of pace, and God used my time in Haiti to give me that and more.

When we first arrived in Port au Prince, we were asked by several different people what we planned to do during our time in Haiti. Though we both had Haiti-related answers, such as spend time at Heartline and Notre Maison (me), work at Real Hope for Haiti (Paul), and donate blood (both of us), we also each stated that we wanted to rest; we needed to recover from the crazy few months we'd just come through. I am oh so thankful to be able to say that we were able to do all of these things.

There is much I could say about those wonderful two weeks I was able to spend in that country that I love so very much, but if I had to choose just one aspect of this trip to discuss, it would be that God was so incredibly faithful to meet me where I was at - exhausted, hurt, overwhelmed - and lovingly remind me that I can find rest in Him, that He is my strength, and that He loves me and does truly know what's best for me. Without meaning to, I had lost sight of these truths and had been fighting so hard against them; I was trying to prove myself and my ability to just work hard and push through and make things work out my way. (Right. Because that's always super effective.) To an extent, I suppose I succeeded -- but only on the surface. In my heart, I knew I was off base. I knew the things I was doing, the things I accomplished, the place where I allowed my mind to dwell, were more out of a desire to prove myself "worthy" and to fulfill my own plans rather than to see God glorified. I didn't admit that, not even to myself, but looking back, I can see that it's true.

That being said, I am completely confident that I was (and am) supposed to be in nursing school and to continue working at my current job. The Lord has made that so clear, and He has graciously worked in spite of me in both of these areas of my life. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in school, preparing to (hopefully) one day soon be able to serve in Haiti full-time. And I am thankful for the amazing coworkers the Lord has placed in my life; He so often uses them to encourage and humble and challenge and teach me.

So here I am now, heading into my second semester of nursing school; the insanity is about to begin again. This time, though, I want it to be different. Yes, I want (and need) to work and study hard. But I don't want those things to be my primary focus. More than anything, I want to love the Lord, not just in words (which are easy to say) but in every detail of the way I live my life. So if that means working fewer hours or studying a little bit less in order to have more time to focus on my relationship with the Lord, so be it. I would greatly appreciate prayers, though, that I would have the courage to make this a reality. It's one thing to write these things in this moment when the lessons of the past few weeks are fresh on my mind; it's altogether another thing to actually follow through. I know myself too well to think for a second that without divine intervention, anything will change. I desperately need the Lord to continue working on my heart, drawing me to Him and enabling me to be obedient to His Word. Will you pray with me for that?

Maybe at some point I will actually give a recap of my time in Haiti and the wonderful people I was able to see and the fun things I was able to do; originally I thought that's where I was going with this post. However, I think I really needed to finally put in writing some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind these past several weeks. Regardless of whether anyone ever reads this, my hope is that this post will serve as an impetus for me to make the aforementioned changes and not fall back into life as it was last semester. So here's to a new year, a new semester, and a renewed desire to love and serve the Lord.