I See You

This evening, I found myself going through boxes of old letters, photos, school papers and a variety of other things I've saved

over the years. As I pulled out different items, some brought smiles, others brought tears, and some just left me shaking my head sheepishly. Along with old journal entries and stories

written in elementary school, I found this poem that I wrote about 6 years ago, not too long after my best friend/foster brother, Junior, died. It was my freshman year of college, and I can remember sitting on the terraced steps behind the Reitz Union at the University of Florida, attempting to sort out my jumbled emotions. I deeply missed Junior and I was feeling overwhelmed by life, but at the same time, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was with me---that He always had been and always would be. Though I'm clearly not much of a poet, this poem came out of that time and, if not eloquent, at least expresses the truth that God is present even in the midst of hard times, and He is always faithful to care for His children. So, for what it's worth, here it is:

I see You

In the never-fading smile of a young man

Too sick to leave his bed but

Who clings to You as the source of his strength.

I feel You

In the cool autumn breeze that

Dances through the air and

Sends brightly colored leaves fluttering to the ground.

I hear You

In the laughter of children ringing

Out through the cracks of mud huts

Finding joy in the midst of poverty

Lord, You are here

Surrounding me with Your love

Too great for me to comprehend.

Lord, You are here

Giving meaning to my life

As only You can do.

I see You

In the beauty of the sunset, fading

Quickly into night, revealing

Your glory in the heavens.

I feel You

In the gentle touch of a friend

You've sent to encourage me

As I struggle through life's uncertainties.

I hear You

In the silence of a beautiful moment

When I am reminded to

Be still and know that You are God.

Lord, You are here

Amazing me with Your glory

So incredible to see.

Lord, You are here

Bringing healing to my heart

That's broken without You.

'Tis So Sweet

I was listening to my Keith and Kristyn Getty Pandora station earlier, and Phillips, Craig, and Dean's version of "'Tis So sweet" came on. I've grown up hearing this song, and it probably ranks among my favorite hymns (though, granted, I have a rather long list of "favorites"). I love the lyrics, I love the tune, and today I discovered that I particularly like PC&D's rendition. However, until today I hadn't given much of a thought to the background of the hymn, i.e. the circumstances that led to its being written. I googled the hymnwriter, Louisa Stead, and discovered this:

Louisa Stead and her husband were relaxing with their four-year-old daughter on a Long Island beach when they heard a desperate child's cry.

A boy was drowning, and Louisa's husband tried to rescue him.

In the process, however, the boy pulled Mr. Stead under the water, and both drowned as Louisa and her daughter watched.

Louisa Stead was left with no means of support except the Lord. She and her daughter experienced dire poverty. One morning, when she had neither funds nor food for the day, she opened the front door and found that someone had left food and money on her doorstep. That day she wrote this hymn.

Tis So Sweet

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon his promise
Just to know, "thus saith the Lord"

Yes tis sweet to trust in Jesus
Just from sin and self to cease
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest and joy and peace

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Oh for grace to trust Him more

I'm so glad I learned to trust Him
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend
And I know that Thou art with me
Wilt be with me to the end
—Louisa Stead

What an amazing testimony to God's grace and the joy that comes in knowing Him. May I, likewise, "learn to trust Him: and know that He is "with me, wilt be with me to the end."

As the heavens are higher

Sometimes...God's ways are not my ways. Ok, fine; MOST of the time His ways are not my ways (and, being that He's God and I'm not, it's very good that He goes with His plans rather than my own). Still, there are times when I'm so hoping for something and have it all worked out in my mind how I think it should happen, only to discover that God has a different plan. This is often--at least initially--quite disappointing. Even though I know in my heart that "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), discovering that things aren't going to happen the way I'd hoped is not a fun or easy thing. And particularly since I'm a "dreamer", I've gone through this little process more times than I'd like to admit.

Thankfully, God has shown me time and time again that even though I might suffer a little disappointment for awhile--or even a fair amount of pain in the more difficult circumstances--He is ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS has something better in store than I could ever imagine. He never makes mistakes; He doesn't turn His head for a second and--oops, that shouldn't have happened! No, He is intimately involved in the details of my life; He knows my hopes and my dreams...and He KNOWS what is best. So though I may be sad or hurt for a time, I can be (and am) confident that I can trust Him. "Though weeping may last through the night, joy comes with the morning" (Psalm 30:5). I don't always know right away why He allows certain things to happen--or not happen, as the case may be--and for some things, I won't know His reasons until I get to heaven. Regardless, though, "I know whom I have believed" (I Timothy 1:12); my God is faithful to fulfill each and every one of His promises, which certainly includes this one: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). He already knows my future; I don't need to despair even when things don't go as I'd like. God's got it; it's really ok!

Originally, this post was primarily going to be about Christina and some news I got this evening (which I will get to in a minute). As I started writing, though, and as I started thinking more about it (rather than just responding emotionally, as I was initially), a past disappointment--really, the most painful event of my life--came to the forefront of my mind: my mom's death nearly 21 months ago. I don't really have the energy to say a whole lot about that right now (primarily because I'm tired and have to get up for work in another 6 hours), but the main thing is that even though losing my mom was absolutely the most horribly painful and frightening and confusing and just plain awful circumstance I've had to go through (and am still going through), from the first moment I even began to realize that she might die, God gave me the grace to know that He IS IN CONTROL and that HE HAS A PLAN. I don't know why He allowed my mom to die when she did; I hate that it happened. Yet, I know that He has a reason and is bringing good even out of the pain. No, I don't understand...but again, "I know whom I have believed." It all comes down to the fact that He is God, and I am not (and thank goodness for that).

In light of all that, the news I got today now seems relatively minor. And really, it's good news; it just means that some things won't happen as I'd hoped. I took Christina's CT scans to the doctor in Houston this afternoon, and this evening I got an email from him saying that he had already looked at her images and determined that she does not, in fact, have hydrocephalus. Her head is enlarged due to a "developmental anomaly" and she will not require surgery. This is good news--very good news. This means, I think, that her condition is not life-threatening as we had previously been told. So why, you ask, am I blogging about disappointment? Well, it's selfish, primarily--I really, really wanted Christina to come here. Don't get me wrong; I am definitely thrilled that she doesn't have hydrocephalus and should hopefully do well without special medical care (though she still is in need of physical and occupational therapy to help with her developmental delays), but I was so looking forward to having her here and being able to love on her and give her special attention that she just can't get in a crowded orphanage. And I have to admit, crazy and as far-fetched an idea as this is, I was hoping that somehow God would provide a way through this for me to adopt her someday--despite the long list of reasons why this is impossible (told you I'm a dreamer). So yeah, my plans have been thwarted...but...that just means that God has bigger and better plans for both me and for Christina. Maybe our lives will intersect significantly at some point, or maybe they won't. I have no way of knowing. Either way, though, I can trust God with my future and with hers. He is in control, and He will continue working "all things...together for good", for, from eternity past to eternity future, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Prayer Request

I got a text this morning from a friend in Chicago who just found out that her 21-year-old niece, Jennifer, is in an ICU in Dallas, and they're having trouble stabilizing her. I don't know any other details right now, but I (and my friend) would definitely appreciate prayers for Jennifer and for her whole family as they go through this scary time. Please pray that God would give them His peace even in the midst of their fear and that their trust would be in Him.

Psalm 145:18-19

The Lord is near to all who call on Him,
to all who call on Him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him;
He also hears their cry and saves them.

Ti Nina

Earlier this year, I met Christina and fell utterly in love with this sweet little girl. Christina, like my youngest sister, has hydrocephalus; also like my sister, Christina was born in Haiti, a place where quality medical care is extremely hard to come by and where those with disabilities are looked at as cursed (if they're even looked at at all). Because Christina's family did not want a "cursed" child and the accompanying social stigma, they abandoned her at the Haitian Social Services office; shortly thereafter, Christina was taken to Notre Maison, the orphanage for children with special needs that is run by a dear family friend, Gertrude Bien-Aime. This is where I met Christina in February.

I was only at Notre Maison for 5 days, but it didn't take me long to learn Christina's story and decide that I wanted to help her. Left untreated, Christina would slowly die as the fluid gradually increased pressure on her brain. I decided, then, that I would do my best to find help for Christina in the States, hoping and praying that God would work out all of the details (particularly since I really had/have no clue how to go about this).

I returned to Haiti in March and was able to spend nearly 3 weeks with the kids at Notre Maison; though I sort of tried not to play favorites, it was pretty clear that Christina (Ti Nina) got quite a lot of my attention. (And look at her; how could she not?) :)

It was very hard for me to say goodbye to Ti Nina at the end of my trip; however, I came back to the States determined to do my best to find a neurosurgeon and a hospital to provide medical care for Christina. I sent letters to about 10 neurosurgeons within a 3-hour drive of where I live, hoping to find someone nearby to donate care. Tonight, I finally received a response; a doctor in Houston is willing to help as long as his hospital is also able to donate their services. Please pray for Christina and for everyone involved in making decisions on her behalf. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

Edit: When the neurosurgeon in Houston looked at Christina's CT scans, he realized that Christina does not, in fact, have hydrocephalus as she was diagnosed in Haiti:

The fluid filled spaces of the brain are enlarged mainly due to a developmental anomaly called corpus callosal agenesis. This is benign from an intracranial pressure point of view, but can lead to delayed neurologic development.

So, good news for Christina; her condition is not life-threatening.  Since she does not need surgery, I am not able to bring her to the States at this time.  We'll see what the future holds... 

Bucket List for 2010

I realized recently that though I have lots of hopes and dreams and plans etc floating around in my brain, if I don't start writing them down and becoming intentional about achieving them, I probably won't end up getting around to a lot of them. So, for that reason, I decided to create a bucket list, per Caroline's example, of things that I hope to accomplish (or, as in the case of the things I want to learn, begin working on) by the end of 2010. Here is the list I've come up with; it'll be fun to see how many I can check off over the next 6 1/2 months!

1. Start keeping a prayer journal again

2. Have the Anne of Green Gables party part 2

3. Go on a picnic

4. Go back to Haiti

5. Have a Jane Austen movie night

6. Braid Jeweliet’s hair on a fairly regularly basis

7. Go camping at [at least] one Texas state park

8. Go to the True Woman 2010 conference in Fort Worth

9. Learn about and put into practice what it means to be a godly/biblical woman

10. Go back to Florida [for a visit]

11. Finish watching the last episode of season 5 of LOST

12. Have the LOST season finale party

13. Babysit/hang out with little kids more

14. Visit Anna in Humble

15. Learn how to play an instrument of some sort

16. Learn more French

17. Make a gingerbread house

18. Have a summer Bible study with Caitlin and Caroline

19. Learn sign language

20. Study child development

21. Visit a state where I’ve never been before

22. Re-learn how to drive manual

23. Memorize a poem

24. See Mary Poppins on Broadway

25. Go to Rachel and Bobby’s wedding

26. Go on a hike, preferably in the mountains

27. Visit the North Carolina farm

28. Celebrate National Smores day on August 10^th

29. Buy a tent

30. Bake a cheesecake with Jeweliet

31. Visit the Blue Bell Creamery

32. Bake homemade bread

33. Successfully have a plant of some sort (i.e. keep it alive for more than 1 week)

34. Get a College Station library card

35. Update my blog more regularly

36. [Find a boy to help me] put up my hammock swing

37. Watch Aladdin

38. Go stargazing

39. Watch The Twilight Zone, per Will’s recommendation

40. Visit Joelle at the YMCA of the Rockies this summer

41. Figure out how to register the van in TX and then do it

42. Get a TX driver’s license

43. Hang out in Austin with Caitlin and Joe and other such fantastic people

44. Watch The Sound of Music

45. Acquire a book of Martha Snell Nicholson’s poems

46. Acquire more children’s books

47. Memorize more of the Bible

48. Take a walk in a park

49. Write more

50. Volunteer for something

51. Go to a playground and play on the swings

52. Have a tea party

53. Learn how to sew and/or knit

54. Watch an episode of The Office, per Lee’s recommendation

55. Read The Mysterious Benedict Society books, per Teeko’s recommendation

56. Go ice skating more often

57. Go on a boat ride of some sort

58. Go to Plato’s Closet

59. Write a short story based on a childhood memory

60. Make toffee almond crunch candy

61. Go running in the rain.

62. Name the van. For reals.

63. Paint with watercolors

64. Go to a concert

65. Go on a bike ride

66. Watch Lina sing at Carnegie Hall

67. Celebrate National Ice Cream day on July 18^th

68. Watch the sunset with a friend

69. Visit the lovely Ms. Jenny Jenkins at some point in whatever city/state/country she happens to be

70. Find a neurosurgeon for Christina and get a medical visa for her

71. Go to a zoo

72. Go to a museum

73. Climb a tree

74. Get a hymnbook

75. Hang out with Kevin and Danielle

Congratulations!

Just want to congratulate my brother Kevin and future sister-in-law Danielle on their engagement! So happy for you two!