lessons from Christmas break

This post has been several weeks in the making, though this is the first time I've actually sat down and started  to write it. Most of these thoughts have primarily been just that - thoughts - up to this point, though I've had a few conversations with various friends that have touched on some of them. As I head into semester two of nursing school and leave behind the solace which has been Christmas break, I'm already finding myself in need of a reminder of some of the gifts the Lord has given me over the past month, so that I can focus on His goodness rather than on circumstances that all too quickly leave me frustrated and overwhelmed.

By the end of an incredibly hectic semester of adjusting to being a full-time nursing student while continuing to work full-time as well, I really was at the end of myself; I was a mess. Constant busyness, along with several less-than-ideal situations that occurred at both school and work, left me desperate to get to Christmas break and a change of pace. I felt like I was holding my breath as I charged toward the end of the semester, unable to come up for a breath of air until it was all over. I couldn't stop; I didn't have time. So. Much. To. Do. I was tense, I was easily irritated, and I was more stressed out than I even realized.

Mere hours after I finished my last final, Paul and I headed out for Haiti. Crazy, yes, to add the stress of preparing for international travel while finishing up the semester; nonetheless, I am immensely thankful that we left town as soon as it was over. Like I said, I was desperately in need of a change of pace, and God used my time in Haiti to give me that and more.

When we first arrived in Port au Prince, we were asked by several different people what we planned to do during our time in Haiti. Though we both had Haiti-related answers, such as spend time at Heartline and Notre Maison (me), work at Real Hope for Haiti (Paul), and donate blood (both of us), we also each stated that we wanted to rest; we needed to recover from the crazy few months we'd just come through. I am oh so thankful to be able to say that we were able to do all of these things.

There is much I could say about those wonderful two weeks I was able to spend in that country that I love so very much, but if I had to choose just one aspect of this trip to discuss, it would be that God was so incredibly faithful to meet me where I was at - exhausted, hurt, overwhelmed - and lovingly remind me that I can find rest in Him, that He is my strength, and that He loves me and does truly know what's best for me. Without meaning to, I had lost sight of these truths and had been fighting so hard against them; I was trying to prove myself and my ability to just work hard and push through and make things work out my way. (Right. Because that's always super effective.) To an extent, I suppose I succeeded -- but only on the surface. In my heart, I knew I was off base. I knew the things I was doing, the things I accomplished, the place where I allowed my mind to dwell, were more out of a desire to prove myself "worthy" and to fulfill my own plans rather than to see God glorified. I didn't admit that, not even to myself, but looking back, I can see that it's true.

That being said, I am completely confident that I was (and am) supposed to be in nursing school and to continue working at my current job. The Lord has made that so clear, and He has graciously worked in spite of me in both of these areas of my life. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in school, preparing to (hopefully) one day soon be able to serve in Haiti full-time. And I am thankful for the amazing coworkers the Lord has placed in my life; He so often uses them to encourage and humble and challenge and teach me.

So here I am now, heading into my second semester of nursing school; the insanity is about to begin again. This time, though, I want it to be different. Yes, I want (and need) to work and study hard. But I don't want those things to be my primary focus. More than anything, I want to love the Lord, not just in words (which are easy to say) but in every detail of the way I live my life. So if that means working fewer hours or studying a little bit less in order to have more time to focus on my relationship with the Lord, so be it. I would greatly appreciate prayers, though, that I would have the courage to make this a reality. It's one thing to write these things in this moment when the lessons of the past few weeks are fresh on my mind; it's altogether another thing to actually follow through. I know myself too well to think for a second that without divine intervention, anything will change. I desperately need the Lord to continue working on my heart, drawing me to Him and enabling me to be obedient to His Word. Will you pray with me for that?

Maybe at some point I will actually give a recap of my time in Haiti and the wonderful people I was able to see and the fun things I was able to do; originally I thought that's where I was going with this post. However, I think I really needed to finally put in writing some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind these past several weeks. Regardless of whether anyone ever reads this, my hope is that this post will serve as an impetus for me to make the aforementioned changes and not fall back into life as it was last semester. So here's to a new year, a new semester, and a renewed desire to love and serve the Lord.

oh, what a week...

201. Ice skating TWICE last week!

202. A good, honest conversation with a friend.

203. Finally having time to clean/organize the back room at work (now if we can just KEEP it this clean/organized!).

204. Dinner at Blue Baker with friends from church.

205. Watching Sleeping Beauty for the first time ever :)

206. Getting to eat leftover pizza at Eyrie Park.

207. Having a new, fresh week ahead of me (and being able to put last week behind me)!

208. Nicknames.

209. The reminder, however painful, of how very much I need God's grace and mercy, and the fact that "if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

210. This very timely article.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,"therefore I will hope in Him." Lamentations 3:21-24

and...Monday

I really do intend to write an actual, for-real blog post at some point. Seriously. I've even sat down and started to write several times in the past few weeks. Just haven't quite finished anything. It's a combination of being super busy and of having several somewhat vague post topics floating around in my head. But, maybe perhaps hopefully I'll have time soon; I'm heading off to Florida tomorrow for a week (i.e. I'm going to be off work for 7 WHOLE DAYS!). Yeah, I know; crazy, right? But anyway, in the meantime, here's this week's list of wonderful things for which I am so thankful:

121. This video of sweet Carly from Notre Maison, who is in the States receiving medical care. So excited and grateful God worked out all the details for her to come, and so thankful for the Celestin family who loved her before they'd even met her and who so diligently and faithfully pursued getting her here!

122. A lovely walk in the park with a friend.

123. Spontaneously spending the night with friends.

124. Playing tooth fairy for my 7-year-old cousin who lost a tooth on Saturday.

125. Peppermint marble mocha hot chocolate, to warm me up on a cool, drizzly day.

126. Random text messages that make me smile.

127. Vanilla tealight candles.

128. Evidence that my brother's fiancee surely has him wrapped around her finger :)

129. That God gives grace for each moment: "We appropriate the grace of our God -- in full and generous supply -- moment by moment by moment. One day at a time. Redeeming each hour. Drawing on His grace like a tulip opening to April sunlight, like oxygen in the bloodstream, like life itself. And leaving the future to Him." (Joni Eareckson Tada, "A Lifetime of Wisdom")

130. Beautiful Texas sunsets (even if they are coming ridiculously early these days).

Jesus, Thank You

This is one of my current favorite songs (from this album, which is actually full of beautiful Gospel-centered songs) that I've been playing over and over again. Anyway, until I have time to write an actual post, I thought I'd share these lyrics:

Jesus, Thank You
The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Who drank the bitter cup reserved for me

Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You

By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end

Lover of my soul
I want to live for You

But He was wounded for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5

As it is written: "None is righteous, no not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless. No one does good, not even one." Romans 3: 10-12

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by His blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in His divine forbearance He had passed over former sins. It was to show His righteousness at the present time, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus. Romans 3:23-26

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Delighting in Grace*

Delighting in grace ...what does this mean? I can't say I fully know, mainly because I do not fully understand God's incredible grace; it is undoubtedly greater and has influenced my life more than I even realize. What I do know, though, is that by His grace, He has shown me my desperate need for His salvation; He has enabled me to repent of my sins and follow Him, and as a result, He has transformed (and is continuing to transform) my life. "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for His own possession who are zealous for good works." (Titus 2:11-14) I obviously have a ways to go as far as living a self-controlled, upright, and godly life, but by His grace, I'm making slow but sure progress.

So where does "delighting" come in? I found this prayer by a Puritan author that, I think, captures this idea very well: "May the living God...make these our carnal minds so spiritual and heavenly, that loving Him, and delighting in Him, may be the work of our lives." Basically, as God graciously teaches me His ways and enables me to grow in godliness, I begin to focus more and more on “loving Him, and delighting in Him”; these things do become the “work of [my life]” and, essentially, my reason for being. What’s incredible is that this love and delight allows me to better recognize the presence and effects of God’s grace in my life, which only increases my love for and delight in Him all the more. Even an ever-increasing awareness of my sinfulness serves to deepen my gratitude for His mercy in forgiving me and His grace in working in and through me.

As I typed this last sentence, a song I remember hearing when I was younger popped into my mind:

Were it not for grace
I can tell you where I’d be
Wandering down some pointless road to nowhere
With my salvation up to me
I know how that would go
The battles I would face
Forever running but losing this race
Were it not for grace (Larnelle Harris, “Were It Not for Grace”)

How incredibly true, and so, I am delighting in grace.

* "Grace is God's unmerited favor by which He saves us and makes us righteous. It is based solely on His sovereign love, which is manifested in the perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ for our sin. It is not the result of any worthiness on our part. Once we are saved we stand in grace." John MacArthur