always faithful

You were reaching through the storm

walking on the water

even when I could not see

in the middle of it all

when I thought You were a thousand miles away

not for a moment did You forsake me

not for a moment did You forsake me

after all You are constant

after all You are only good

after all You are sovereign

not for a moment will You forsake me

not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark

whispering Your promise

even when I could not hear

I was held in Your arms

carried for a thousand miles to show

Not for a moment did You forsake me

Not for a Moment -- Meredith Andrews

Last Sunday, as I was wrapping up a wonderful week in Haiti (and trying desperately to pretend my time there wasn't so rapidly coming to a close), I tagged along with the fabulous Livesay crew for an amazing time of worship at the Meadows' home. We sang a few songs, and then we spent some time talking about God's faithfulness and how we've seen that play out in our lives. Everyone in the room has undeniably been through some "stuff," but it was so beautiful to hear the stories that were shared of how God has carried each of us through difficult circumstances and has brought so much good even out of the pain. It reminded me of something Beth McHoul had said earlier in the week, about how people who have suffered have a certain depth to them. I don't know that any of us would willingly choose to go through painful times, but yet, there is something to be said for the way God uses suffering to shape us, to strengthen us, to draw us closer to Him -- and, to help us empathize with and have compassion for others who are hurting. What an amazing thing to serve a God who not only sees all of our tears, but who also so faithfully brings beauty from ashes. We may not understand why things happen the way they do, why we must suffer, but it is so comforting to know that just as God heard the cries of the Israelites when they were enslaved to the Egyptians, so He sees and knows our pain, and He is with us. Though things are a bit of a blur from the time right after my mom died, I remember very clearly clinging to these verses and having a surreal sort of peace that, even though it felt like my world was falling apart, God was still in control:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"Therefore, I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

I didn't know, and I don't know, why God chose to take my mom when He did. I wouldn't have chosen that, not in a million trillion years. But I do know and can say with confidence that He has shown Himself to be faithful time and time again in my life; how can I not then put my hope in Him?

Originally when I started this post, I was intending to write about how seventeen years ago today, I met my youngest sister. Her life is such a testimony of God's faithfulness; it is absolutely incredible to look back and see the many, many beautiful things He has brought out of her life -- this child, who was born with a life-threatening medical condition and then abandoned at birth and left to die at a Haitian hospital. The very fact that she lived more than a few days (let alone, nearly 18 years and counting) is a miracle of divine intervention, and that's just the very beginning of her story. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to keep writing about that now, I need to get in at least a little bit of studying tonight before I completely collapse in exhaustion from a crazy work day. But, if anyone is interested in knowing a little more about God used Lina's adoption to get our family involved in Haiti, here's a post from a few years ago.

Happy weekend :)

spring break 2013

Well, here I am again...on the heading-back-to-Texas end of an incredible week (well, 9 days) in Haiti. Seems like it's gotten harder and harder for me to leave Haiti over the past several years, and this time is no exception. There's just something about that country...those people...that I love so dearly--crazy traffic, psycho roosters, and constant dust notwithstanding. Ayiti se yon bel peyi e se la mwen vle pou m ye.

However, rather than thinking about how terribly non-thrilled I am to be back in the States (and, especially, to be hanging out at the Fort Lauderdale airport for the night), how about a quick recap of some favorite moments from this past week:

* Spending time at Notre Maison. I love, love, love those kids, and it was so good to get to see them again (and yes, especially my Christina). I was able to make the taptap trek over to the orphanage on five different days while I was there, and it was great getting to spend time with the kids and see how well they're doing. There is some sad news, though -- Mickey, one of the older boys who grew up at the orphanage, passed away last Monday. He had been sick for awhile. I saw him the Saturday before he died, and I'm so thankful to have been able to spend time talking with him that day. He will be very missed. Prayers would be greatly appreciated for Gertrude and for the staff and kids at the orphanage.

* Dinner with Melissa and Guepson, my favorite newlyweds :) These two make me happy; they're super cute together. He's an OB, she's a nurse-midwife. He's Haitian, she's lived in Haiti for ten years. They're both great, and I'm so very, very thankful for Melissa--for many reasons, not the least of which is the role she played in convincing me that I should go to nursing school after all :) I've learned a lot from this girl, and I'm going to miss seeing her in Haiti now that she and Guepson are moving to the States. Guess I'll just have to make some trips to Kansas now!

* House[er, apartment]sitting for my friends Ryan and Melissa while they were in the States. Such a blessing to get to use their apartment while they were away! And, even better, they got back to Haiti a few days before I left, so I also still got to spend time with them :) Pray for them and their ministry at the Heartline Guesthouse!

3 day-old baby Tamar

* Spending time at Heartline is always amazing :) I didn't get to be at any births this time (the only Heartline birth that happened while I was in Haiti was a very quick one, and I was over at the orphanage at the time), but I did get to help out at two family planning days (gave lots of injections of Depo-Provera!), child development day, and prenatal day. I always feel so privileged to get to be even a teensy part of the amazing work they're doing at Heartline. So grateful for the impact they're making on the lives of women and children in Haiti.

* Trying out a Haitian restaurant with Nick, the current driver at the Heartline Guesthouse. The guesthouse was surprisingly guest-free most of the week, so one evening we decided to be a bit adventurous and taptap to a nearby restaurant that had been recommended by a few friends. I can't remember the last time I've been to a restaurant in Haiti besides Epi d'Or, so it was fun to try something new.

* Girls night with Melissa and Mandi! Melissa made some fabulous pizza, and it was fun to hang out with these two :)

* Dinner with the wonderful Meadows family! So great to spend time with these Texas-and-now-Haiti friends! Such a neat family, and I'm pretty sure they have the politest kids on this earth :)

* St. Patrick's Day party (on Friday) at John and Beth's house! When Beth cooks, you want to be there; among her many, many other talents, she is amazing at putting together incredible meals and for massive amounts of people. She is the epitome of graciousness and hospitality.

* Seeing the new Haitian Creations shop...and, of course, making some purchases :) Chandler and the ladies are doing such a great job coming up with some fabulous purses and jewelry and various other products (one of my new favorites is a passport holder, which I used today)! It's always a bit dangerous for my bank account when I go by Haitian Creations; so much great stuff, and for such an incredible cause. Yet another Heartline program that is truly changing lives.

* Home church with the Meadows and the Livesays this morning. I love and admire both of these families so much, and I'm so glad I was able to join them for this time of worship and reflection on God's faithfulness. It was such a special time of talking about how the Lord has been faithful to us in the past (and how we need to remember that we can trust that He will continue to be faithful!) and of praying together. I can't think of a better way to have spent my last morning in Haiti.

I know I'm forgetting a lot of other fabulous moments from the past nine days (I've been up for nearly 24 hours now; I barely remember how to spell my name), but suffice it to say, I really enjoyed my time in Haiti. And, of course, I'm already counting down to my next trip...48 days, if I can get the time off work!

A la pwochen, Ayiti. Mwen sonje w!

lessons from Christmas break

This post has been several weeks in the making, though this is the first time I've actually sat down and started  to write it. Most of these thoughts have primarily been just that - thoughts - up to this point, though I've had a few conversations with various friends that have touched on some of them. As I head into semester two of nursing school and leave behind the solace which has been Christmas break, I'm already finding myself in need of a reminder of some of the gifts the Lord has given me over the past month, so that I can focus on His goodness rather than on circumstances that all too quickly leave me frustrated and overwhelmed.

By the end of an incredibly hectic semester of adjusting to being a full-time nursing student while continuing to work full-time as well, I really was at the end of myself; I was a mess. Constant busyness, along with several less-than-ideal situations that occurred at both school and work, left me desperate to get to Christmas break and a change of pace. I felt like I was holding my breath as I charged toward the end of the semester, unable to come up for a breath of air until it was all over. I couldn't stop; I didn't have time. So. Much. To. Do. I was tense, I was easily irritated, and I was more stressed out than I even realized.

Mere hours after I finished my last final, Paul and I headed out for Haiti. Crazy, yes, to add the stress of preparing for international travel while finishing up the semester; nonetheless, I am immensely thankful that we left town as soon as it was over. Like I said, I was desperately in need of a change of pace, and God used my time in Haiti to give me that and more.

When we first arrived in Port au Prince, we were asked by several different people what we planned to do during our time in Haiti. Though we both had Haiti-related answers, such as spend time at Heartline and Notre Maison (me), work at Real Hope for Haiti (Paul), and donate blood (both of us), we also each stated that we wanted to rest; we needed to recover from the crazy few months we'd just come through. I am oh so thankful to be able to say that we were able to do all of these things.

There is much I could say about those wonderful two weeks I was able to spend in that country that I love so very much, but if I had to choose just one aspect of this trip to discuss, it would be that God was so incredibly faithful to meet me where I was at - exhausted, hurt, overwhelmed - and lovingly remind me that I can find rest in Him, that He is my strength, and that He loves me and does truly know what's best for me. Without meaning to, I had lost sight of these truths and had been fighting so hard against them; I was trying to prove myself and my ability to just work hard and push through and make things work out my way. (Right. Because that's always super effective.) To an extent, I suppose I succeeded -- but only on the surface. In my heart, I knew I was off base. I knew the things I was doing, the things I accomplished, the place where I allowed my mind to dwell, were more out of a desire to prove myself "worthy" and to fulfill my own plans rather than to see God glorified. I didn't admit that, not even to myself, but looking back, I can see that it's true.

That being said, I am completely confident that I was (and am) supposed to be in nursing school and to continue working at my current job. The Lord has made that so clear, and He has graciously worked in spite of me in both of these areas of my life. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in school, preparing to (hopefully) one day soon be able to serve in Haiti full-time. And I am thankful for the amazing coworkers the Lord has placed in my life; He so often uses them to encourage and humble and challenge and teach me.

So here I am now, heading into my second semester of nursing school; the insanity is about to begin again. This time, though, I want it to be different. Yes, I want (and need) to work and study hard. But I don't want those things to be my primary focus. More than anything, I want to love the Lord, not just in words (which are easy to say) but in every detail of the way I live my life. So if that means working fewer hours or studying a little bit less in order to have more time to focus on my relationship with the Lord, so be it. I would greatly appreciate prayers, though, that I would have the courage to make this a reality. It's one thing to write these things in this moment when the lessons of the past few weeks are fresh on my mind; it's altogether another thing to actually follow through. I know myself too well to think for a second that without divine intervention, anything will change. I desperately need the Lord to continue working on my heart, drawing me to Him and enabling me to be obedient to His Word. Will you pray with me for that?

Maybe at some point I will actually give a recap of my time in Haiti and the wonderful people I was able to see and the fun things I was able to do; originally I thought that's where I was going with this post. However, I think I really needed to finally put in writing some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind these past several weeks. Regardless of whether anyone ever reads this, my hope is that this post will serve as an impetus for me to make the aforementioned changes and not fall back into life as it was last semester. So here's to a new year, a new semester, and a renewed desire to love and serve the Lord.

Run for Life: the video

Yesterday, I wrote about the upcoming Run for Life, which starts in just four days. Again, I can't say enough about the cause this run is supporting; the compassionate and life-saving care that is given through the Heartline Maternity program is both inspiring and humbling to see. This video shows a glimpse into the passion that drives this program and the reason Barry is running for Life:

"This program is changing lives. This program is saving lives. This program is making a difference for life." (Beth McHoul)

Want to donate? Click here.

                                                                       

Run for Life

Barry McDonald will run across the nation of Haiti in January 2013, a distance of 315 miles covered in 12 days of running. The event is called Run for Life - Haiti.
Imagine running twelve marathons in a row. Imagine running in the third world. Running for no prize, no award, no fame, no earthly reason to run so hard except one. A painfully simple reason. Running is the best way Barry McDonald - a 35 year-old Australian - can help the tens of thousands of women in Haiti in need of better quality healthcare. Help women who bear children on dirt floors, in fields, and in dingy dark rooms.
He is running, as a fundraiser, to build a maternity and education facility at Heartline Haiti's compound.
(from the Run for Life website)

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In Haiti, so many women deal with issues such as malnutrition and high blood pressure, as well as the threat of diseases like malaria, dengue fever, and cholera -- all of which understandably increase the risk of complications during pregnancy, labor and delivery. Due to the lack of a good health care system (and difficulty in obtaining access to what is available), many Haitian women are left without the assurance of being able to receive good and timely medical care even in moments of desperate need. Most pregnant women have little choice but to give birth at home, and truly, unless there is a major medical need, giving birth at a Haitian hospital is not a preferable option. When you go to a hospital in Haiti, you have to provide everything: from your food and bedding to your medicine and even i.v. bags. Everything. As to emotional support and encouragement, it's nonexistent. Can you imagine? This is why what Heartline does, what Heartline provides, is so valuable. They treat their women with utmost dignity and respect. They walk with them each step of the way. They teach and train and encourage. They care for these ladies physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Lives are not only being changed, but they are saved because of this program. I truly cannot say enough about Heartline; if ever there was a cause to support, a ministry to come alongside and support, this is it.

Starting next week, Barry will be running 315 (315!!!) miles across Haiti to raise money to build a new maternity center for Heartline. The new maternity center will allow for the current program to be expanded to a second location, in order to be able to provide prenatal care, midwifery services, postpartum care, and education for even more women. Having spent time at Heartline, I have seen firsthand the quality of care given to each and every woman in the program and the passion to serve these women well: 

We care deeply about prenatal care and each woman's pregnancy and delivery.  We care even more about love.  We want our program and staff to client ratio to always allow us to get to know each woman fairly well by the time she is ready to deliver. We want each Thursday to be seen as an opportunity to invest time  in their lives, their stories, their pain and struggle. The very best and the very hardest part of the program is making time to truly hear from them and build relationships. (From this post by Tara Livesay)

Would you consider making a donation toward the new maternity center? Barry's goal is to raise $800,000 with this Run for Life. As part of the fundraising effort, many people from around the world are hosting events or running their own races. I, too, am joining in on this and will be running a half-marathon at the end of February, and I've created a fundraising page here. You also can donate from the link at the top right of this page. Thanks in advance for supporting Heartline and helping to make a difference in the lives of Haitian women and babies!

For more information on the importance of maternal health care, see this post.

catching up...

Oh hey, look; here I am again. Crazy that it's been nearly 8 months since I last posted. Even crazier, though, were those eight months... As a quick summary, from mid-May 2012 until now, I:

- Found out that I'd been accepted into the nursing program at a college here in town.
- Worked a lot. A whole lot. Good thing I love my job (well, most days).  :)

fun in the Smokies

- Traveled with Paul in July for a quick family reunion/camping trip in the Smoky Mountains.
- Attended the weddings of several former coworkers, one in June and the other in August (congrats, Brian & Emily and Jack & Anna). Fun fact: they all worked at Starbucks at one time or another.

Lina and Taylor

- Got to spend lots of time with my youngest sister, when she came to stay with me and Paul for a few weeks in July. We celebrated her 17th birthday while she was here (she has now had two birthdays in a row in Texas)!
- Received the sweetest birthday gift ever from my coworkers - a handmade card full of kind words, and money to go towards my next trip to Haiti.
- Said good-bye to free time ;) and started nursing school in August.

with Melissa at her wedding reception

- Studied. A lot. Most productive place I found to study? On the floor in the back room at Starbucks. Go figure.
- Made a quick trip to Kansas in October for Guepson and Melissa's wedding. Such a perfect, beautiful ceremony and reception, and it's always fun to see Haiti friends in the States :)
- Cooked many a crockpot meal at Starbucks. Besides this, I pretty much survived the semester on coffee and tortilla chips.
- Successfully completed my first semester of nursing school. 4 more to go...

loved, loved, loved being back in
Haiti and with these kids

- Traveled to Haiti with Paul and spent two gloriously wonderful weeks at Heartline and Notre Maison. More on this soon...
- Started running again for the first time in many months...and signed up for a half-marathon to help raise money to build a new maternity center for Heartline. Learn more about Run for Life Haiti here. More on this soon, too...

These past eight months have been busy and fun and challenging and stressful and exciting...pretty much the full gamut of adjectives/emotions. Through it all, the Lord has continually been teaching me about trusting Him, that His grace is (as the song says) greater than all my sin, and that I can work super hard and try my best until I'm absolutely exhausted...but if my focus isn't on Him, if I'm relying on my own strength to get things done, at the end of the day, I'm a mess. And being a mess is not fun. So here's to a new year, and to a renewed focus on the loving the Lord, celebrating His goodness, and living in a way that reflects His gospel message.

The gospel teaches us that instead of focusing on ourselves and our closely clinging sin, we've got to focus on, to consider, Jesus. We've got to look away from our sin, whether because it's alluring and drawing us toward it or because it's condemning and pushing us into ourselves and away from our Savior. We must patiently focus all our attention on him. We've got to think on, ponder, or consider, Jesus. Every aspect of the gospel is meant to encourage us in our war against sin. Of course, we should be aware enough of our sin that we seek to repent of it and are grateful for the cross, but that's not where our thoughts should settle.  Our thoughts should be steadfastly riveted on what Jesus has done.  (Elyse M. Fitzpatrick, Comforts from the Cross) 

photo update

Roseline

Agathe teaching on introducing solids

Mickey

Melissa and her newest namesake

Jude and Jean Daniel

my Christina

Lovely and her doll from Carly :)

Agathe and Beth welcoming new women
to the prenatal program

what I looked like after my first trek
through Clercine "lake"