Life lessons

I had a terrible day Friday; one of those oh-so-fun days when every little thing at work seemed to go wrong and when I felt like I just plain couldn't do anything right. I was (kindly) informed of several things that I should've done differently/better, I dropped everything I picked up, spilled everything I touched, and just couldn't quite get it together the entire day. Several miscommunications early on in the day added to my confusion and left me feeling frustrated and lacking control. To complete this downward spiral, I then took my negative emotions out on a friend. All in all, I was a horrid mess of negativity, and, though I knew that I needed to take every thought captive to obey Christ (rather than letting every little thing nearly leave me in tears), I still chose to dwell on my mistakes and frustrations. I just couldn't "let myself off the hook" for things not going smoothly. Because, along with over-thinking everything (which I blame on the engineer "gene" that runs on both sides of my family) . . .

. . . I am by nature a people-pleaser and a perfectionist and have always struggled with trying to live up to certain expectations which, a lot of the time, are probably self-imposed more than anything. When I fail to meet these expectations, then, I make myself miserable because I feel like I've let everyone down. Rather than finding my security in Christ and in the fact that I belong to Him, I look to people for affirmation and try to measure up to what I perceive their expectations to be. You'd think that I've been a Christian long enough to know better than this, but clearly this is something God is still working on with me.

Friday night as I was thinking back through my day and realizing how poorly I'd handled things, God started to connect the dots for me and to show me that such days can be valuable life lessons, if only I would quit being so self-absorbed and focusing on how bad I felt about things. Interestingly enough, several aspects of the awfulness which was Friday relate directly to topics that were discussed earlier in the week at both a women's meeting I went to at church and then at my Bible study a few days later: that of finding security in Christ, focusing on that which is pleasing to Him, and learning from mistakes but not dwelling there.

First of all, my worth is found in Christ, and I am complete in Him; I don't need to (nor should I) base my identity on what other people think or say about me. I love this quote from Elisabeth Elliot: "Where does your security lie? Is God your refuge, your hiding place, your stronghold, your shepherd, your counselor, your friend, your redeemer, your saviour, your guide? If He is, you don't need to search any further for security." And as John Piper points out, "God made us who we are so we could make known who He is. . .The meaning of our identity is that the excellency of God be seen in us." Therefore, what does it matter what other people think about me? Ultimately, it makes no difference whether or not anyone thinks I'm nice or pretty or can carry on a decent conversation; what matters is that in everything I say and do, I reflect Christ and bring glory to His name. I ought to echo Paul's statement in his letter to the Galatians: "Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant."

Second, my thoughts need to be on whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable -- these are the things on which I should focus, NOT on my frustrations or hurts or the faults of myself or others. Although there is a time and a place to deal with such things and to respond in a way that is pleasing to God, so often further problems could be avoided if I would remember all that God has done for me:

I will remember the deeds of the LORD;

yes, I will remember Your wonders of old.

I will ponder all Your work;

and meditate on Your mighty deeds.

Your way, O God, is holy.

What god is great like our God?

Psalm 77:11-13

Thirdly, and similarly, I cannot let myself dwell on my mistakes. When it is an issue of sin, I need to repent and, as appropriate, make amends, but I must not wallow in guilt. It is for freedom that Christ has set me free! In His incomprehensible love and mercy, Christ has forgiven me and remembers my sins no more. If He doesn't continue beating me over the head with reminders of my sins, who am I to dwell there? So, whether my failure is a sin or if it is merely an expectation that I didn't meet, I accomplish nothing by reminding myself over and over of how horrible I am. L.M. Montgomery wisely said, "We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us."

So, those are some of the lessons that I think God is trying to teach me out of my miserable Friday (likely there are more that I haven't realized yet). He truly does cause all things to work together for good for those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose; how amazing is it that He uses even the messes I make to teach me more about Himself and (if I learn these lessons) to make me more like Him! May I "grow in the grace and knowledge of our LORD and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." 2 Peter 3: 18

A thankful heart

The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

31. I watched The Sound of Music last week for the first time since I was a child. Loved the movie growing up, love it even more now!

32. Big powerful thunderstorms.

33. Wonderful time spent assisting my dear chef friend Sabrina make fajitas on a blustery afternoon.

34. My first close as a shift supervisor went way better and more smoothly than I'd expected, thanks to having great coworkers. I cannot express the immense relief of having made it through this "first"!

35. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough

36. A long-overdue meeting with Sabrina and Everly for our book study

37. A super-cute and sweet card from Birdie

38. Proof that chivalry does still exist.

39. Lots of opportunities this week to bake!

40. For God's "comfort in affliction", and for reminders from several sources of how to minister to those who are suffering.

(1-10) (11-20) (21-30)

Some favorite quotes

I recently discovered goodreads.com, which contains a plethora of fantastic quotes. Here are some of my favorites that I've come across whilst browsing the site:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis

"Stay is a charming word in a friend's vocabulary."
— Louisa May Alcott

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."
— Charles Dickens

"Friendship, said Christopher Robin, is a very comforting thing to have."
— A.A. Milne

"The unending paradox is that we do learn through pain."
— Madeleine L'Engle

"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. "
— Wystan Hugh Auden

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
— Helen Keller

"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."
— C.S. Lewis

"But God is the God of the waves and the billows, and they are still His when they come over us; and again and again we have proved that the overwhelming thing does not overwhelm. Once more by His interposition deliverance came. We were cast down, but not destroyed."
— Amy Carmichael

"["All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant."] The original Hebrew word that has been translated "paths" means "well-worn roads' or "wheel tracks," such ruts as wagons make when they go down our green roads in wet weather and sink in up to the axles. God's ways are at times like heavy wagon tracks that cut deep into our souls, yet all of them are merciful."
— Charles H. Spurgeon

"I'm sorry I wrote you such a long letter; I didn't have time to write a short one."
— Blaise Pascal

"It is often in the darkest
skies that we see the
brightest stars."
— Richard Evans

"Nothing can match the treasure of common memories, of trials endured together, of quarrels and reconciliations and generous emotions. It is idle, having planted an acorn in the morning, to expect that afternoon to sit in the shade of the oak."
— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"The real things haven't changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong."
— Laura Ingalls Wilder

21-30

(1-10) (11-20)

21. Encouraging cards (of both the electronic and the paper variety) from dear friends, and unexpected but encouraging phone calls

22. Our very own wireless internet at our apartment (no more huddling by the window trying to catch the one non-password-protected network near our building!); seriously, it is a beautiful thing to be able to sit at my desk and type this!

23. French-pressed Anniversary Blend

24. A lovely Sunday afternoon of cookies and movie-watching with Paul, Everly, and Birdie.

25. My rearranged (and currently quite clean) room; there's just something therapeutic about changing the layout of my room from time to time (yes, I am strange).

26. Prayers of friends, and their patience with me in all of my emotional ups and downs

27. Surviving (andsurprisinglymostlyenjoying) week one of (sort of) being a shift supervisor at work

28. The anticipation of new-to-me old books coming soon in the mail, wrapped in brown paper and tied with a string (how fun is that!)

29. The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him." (Lamentations 3:22-24)

30. 23 years with my wonderful, selfless, giving, loving, amazing, beautiful, godly, incredible mother, who is now in heaven with Jesus

Vulnerable, for what it's worth

my family - December 2006

On this eve of the second anniversary of my mom's death, I don't know what I'm feeling. Or how to feel. Or something. Or nothing. (Don't mind me; I know I'm not making sense.) Three hours ago, I left church nearly in tears. Right now I'm dry-eyed and emotionally flat. I "feel" like I should feel something, like I should be able to muster up some sort of emotion, but I can't. Not that I want to make myself feel some sort of fake sadness, but surely there's something there somewhere; how could there not be? But the nearly-overwhelming grief of a few hours ago has disappeared, which, though, in a way, is a relief, is also unsettling. Why can't I feel anything?

Yet this has been the trend over the last 24 months of my life; sometimes I miss my mom so much I can't hardly breathe, and then other times --even mere moments later-- I'm as unemotional as if this had happened to someone else entirely. I have yet to get over the surreality of losing my mom; much of the time it really does just seem like I'm in someone else's dream or, worse yet, that she was never here in the first place and life has always been as it is. Maybe that's why I usually hate talking about this; it forces me to admit that that part of my life is over -- the part when I talked to my mom every day, regardless of whether we were in the same town or whether I lived 1,000 miles away; the part when regardless of what I was facing or what decision I had to make, she was there to encourage and support me; the part when I always knew that no matter what, my mom loved me and was praying for me. For 23 years and 11 days, she was there for me. And then, all of a sudden and without warning, she was gone.

Coping now, or going on, or whatever you want to call it, can be so paradoxical: most of the time, though I'm not necessarily thinking about it, I know that she's gone; other times, I'll pull a card out of my mailbox and think, for a fleeting moment, that it's from her. Most of the time, I can function like a fairly normal human being; other days, I nearly fall apart over nothing (my sincere apologies to any who witnessed the greater frequency of this a few weeks ago). I don't know if this is normal, or if I just keep going back and forth between under- and over-reacting, or what. What further complicates things (though it probably wouldn't, if I could just manage to not over-think everything) is these times when my emotions don't correspond with how I think I should be feeling and then I wonder how people will view it (as if that truly mattered) if I'm happy on a day that I "should" be sad, or vice-versa.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, besides, perhaps, to attempt to sort out and explain my tangled thoughts. I would much rather write --and post-- something cheerful and positive and uplifting (certainly not something such as this that leaves me so very vulnerable), but at the moment, that wouldn't be real. And I'm tired of pretending that everything's always ok. A lot of the time it is; sometimes, though, it's not. And other times, like right now, I don't really know what it is; it just is.

Anyway, if you've managed to read this far, even if (likely) my ramblings made no sense to you whatsoever, I would appreciate prayers for myself and for my family, particularly tomorrow, as we remember my mom and celebrate her beautiful life. Thanks to all who have already been praying and encouraging and who have just been there to give a hug or to listen or to "weep with those who weep." I love you all and appreciate you so very much.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. (Revelation 21:4)

Multitude Monday

11. Slightly cooler days (which, here in Texas, means highs in the 90s rather than in the 100s)

12. Homemade vanilla bean ice cream, made by my dear friend Sabrina

13. Surviving day-one(ish) of being promoted (despite having little idea what I was doing); along with this, encouragement from friends to allay my fears of failure

14. Long phone conversations with dear friends, sharing both joys and woes and different-yet-the-same dilemmas

15. Goodreads.com and the [re]discovery of so many lovely quotes to be found there

16. The impending visit of a dear friend/pseudo-brother this weekend and the opportunity for a quick phone visit with him today

17. Getting to see the girls from my Bible study again this week, after being scattered throughout the state for the summer

18. Celebrating 9 months today since I moved to Texas!

19. This truth: "But God is the God of the waves and the billows, and they are still His when they come over us; and again and again we have proved that the overwhelming thing does not overwhelm. Once more by His interposition deliverance came. We were cast down, but not destroyed." -- Amy Carmichael

20. Unexpectedly receiving a photo I hadn't seen before of my mom and me in 2007

haiti - march 2007

Happy Monday!

Of beauty and enjoyment (part 1)

As I mentioned in a previous post, Sabrina and Everly and I have been doing a book study this summer on Elisabeth Elliot's Discipline: The Glad Surrender. This sort-of-weekly time of discussion, laughter, tears, and sharing our lives with each other has been so wonderful, so special, and so very edifying. Though we frequently drift off topic (some weeks more than others, depending on what crazy circumstances are going on at that time -- and trust me, there have been many this summer!), we also have had many good conversations that have arisen from the multitude of wisdom that EE shares in her book.

Yesterday, we talked about "The Discipline of Possessions", one aspect of which is that

Things are given to us to enjoy for awhile. Nothing has done more damage to the Christian view of life than the hideous notion that those who are truly spiritual have lost all interest in the world and its beauties. The Bible says, "God . . . endows us richly with all things to enjoy." It also says, "Do not set your hearts on the godless world or anything in it." It is altogether fitting and proper that we should enjoy things made for us to enjoy. What is not fitting or proper is that we should set our hearts on them. Temporal things must be treated as temporal things -- received, given thanks for, offered back, but enjoyed.

Interestingly enough, this topic is one that I've been pondering fairly frequently over the last few months as God has provided so many opportunities for me to rejoice in the "simple pleasures" of life. From glorious sunsets, silly moments with dear friends, and beautifully foamy soy cappuccinos to midnight excursions to play on the swings at the park, spontaneous hugs, and the delight in reading a good book -- all these things are gifts from God, given to me for enjoyment and that I may, in response, praise Him. He is so good, so kind and so loving; daily (and, were I to open my eyes and pay attention, even moment by moment) He graciously gives me so many reasons to rejoice in Him. And how magnificent it is to rejoice in Him! After all, as the Westminster Catechism states, the chief end of man (that is, our reason for being) is "to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."

Now, I have to admit that all too often I take His gifts for granted and fail to acknowledge His hand in providing them; furthermore, I have to be careful not to get so caught up in the gift, whatever it may be, that I am more in awe of it than I am of its Giver (that would be idolatry).

On that note, though, I must rather abruptly end this particular post with a "to be continued", as I am rapidly running out of time before I need to be at work. So, until next time! :)