What I Want is You!

"Even in my own life right now, I have been unable in the decision that I've got to make to say, 'This is what the Lord wants me to do.' But what the Spirit of God has unleashed in my heart is this prayer: 'I want You! And if You're in this marriage, and if You're in this opportunity, and if You're in this financial decision, and if You're in this job opportunity, and if You're in this place, that's where I want to be! What I want is You!'" (Matt Chandler)

I'm doing a book study this summer with two of my dearest friends, Sabrina and Everly, and we're going through Discipline: The Glad Surrender by Elisabeth Elliot. Today, despite quite a number of distractions going on around us in the coffeehouse where we met, we discussed the chapter entitled "A Sovereign God and

Man's Choice." The main idea throughout this chapter is that there are two wills--God's and ours--and that, though God is sovereignly in control of every imaginable detail of life and existence, He has "arranged things in such a way that His own action is coupled with the action of men." He allows us, sinful and broken as we are, "the dignity to act in freedom and thus to have a willed part in what He does." Not only does He give us a choice as to whether or not we will act in accordance with Him, but He ALLOWS us to do just that--be participants in the incredible (and eternal!) work He is doing in our lives, in the lives of those around us, and perhaps even in the lives of people we will never meet on this earth. That is truly mind-boggling if you really stop to think about it; as David said in Psalm 8:4, "What is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him?" Our all-powerful God, Creator of the universe, lets us be a part of His plan. Amazing.

Along with this, Sabrina, Everly and I got to talking about our tendency to get caught up in trying to see and figure out "the big picture" (i.e. God's grand plan/His will for our lives) to the neglect of the seemingly smaller and/or mundane things of life. Speaking for myself, I frequently find myself wondering what God's plan for me is--what I'm supposed to do with my life, where I'm supposed to go, whether or not I'll get married/have kids/live overseas, etc. While it's not wrong to think about these things and even consider them to some degree, the problem is that when I become so focused on that abstract Future and begin to obsess about figuring out what God wants me to do, I quickly forget that He's already TOLD me what to do. I am to be faithful in my day-to-day life to seek Him and to obey His Word. I am to love the LORD my God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and with all my mind, and I am to love my neighbor as myself (Luke 10:27). It's really not as complicated as I tend to make it. I may not know right now what the future holds, but you know what? That's ok. If I am focusing on my relationship with God and being obedient in the daily "small" matters of life, the "grand plan" is being worked out within that. God is not trying to keep His will from me. Rather, He declares to us in Jeremiah 29:13-14a that "you will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you." What a beautiful promise. And truly, what is better than that, than finding God? What else really matters? So regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, may I echo Matt Chandler's prayer: "If You're in this place, that's where I want to be! What I want is You!"

As the heavens are higher

Sometimes...God's ways are not my ways. Ok, fine; MOST of the time His ways are not my ways (and, being that He's God and I'm not, it's very good that He goes with His plans rather than my own). Still, there are times when I'm so hoping for something and have it all worked out in my mind how I think it should happen, only to discover that God has a different plan. This is often--at least initially--quite disappointing. Even though I know in my heart that "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), discovering that things aren't going to happen the way I'd hoped is not a fun or easy thing. And particularly since I'm a "dreamer", I've gone through this little process more times than I'd like to admit.

Thankfully, God has shown me time and time again that even though I might suffer a little disappointment for awhile--or even a fair amount of pain in the more difficult circumstances--He is ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS has something better in store than I could ever imagine. He never makes mistakes; He doesn't turn His head for a second and--oops, that shouldn't have happened! No, He is intimately involved in the details of my life; He knows my hopes and my dreams...and He KNOWS what is best. So though I may be sad or hurt for a time, I can be (and am) confident that I can trust Him. "Though weeping may last through the night, joy comes with the morning" (Psalm 30:5). I don't always know right away why He allows certain things to happen--or not happen, as the case may be--and for some things, I won't know His reasons until I get to heaven. Regardless, though, "I know whom I have believed" (I Timothy 1:12); my God is faithful to fulfill each and every one of His promises, which certainly includes this one: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). He already knows my future; I don't need to despair even when things don't go as I'd like. God's got it; it's really ok!

Originally, this post was primarily going to be about Christina and some news I got this evening (which I will get to in a minute). As I started writing, though, and as I started thinking more about it (rather than just responding emotionally, as I was initially), a past disappointment--really, the most painful event of my life--came to the forefront of my mind: my mom's death nearly 21 months ago. I don't really have the energy to say a whole lot about that right now (primarily because I'm tired and have to get up for work in another 6 hours), but the main thing is that even though losing my mom was absolutely the most horribly painful and frightening and confusing and just plain awful circumstance I've had to go through (and am still going through), from the first moment I even began to realize that she might die, God gave me the grace to know that He IS IN CONTROL and that HE HAS A PLAN. I don't know why He allowed my mom to die when she did; I hate that it happened. Yet, I know that He has a reason and is bringing good even out of the pain. No, I don't understand...but again, "I know whom I have believed." It all comes down to the fact that He is God, and I am not (and thank goodness for that).

In light of all that, the news I got today now seems relatively minor. And really, it's good news; it just means that some things won't happen as I'd hoped. I took Christina's CT scans to the doctor in Houston this afternoon, and this evening I got an email from him saying that he had already looked at her images and determined that she does not, in fact, have hydrocephalus. Her head is enlarged due to a "developmental anomaly" and she will not require surgery. This is good news--very good news. This means, I think, that her condition is not life-threatening as we had previously been told. So why, you ask, am I blogging about disappointment? Well, it's selfish, primarily--I really, really wanted Christina to come here. Don't get me wrong; I am definitely thrilled that she doesn't have hydrocephalus and should hopefully do well without special medical care (though she still is in need of physical and occupational therapy to help with her developmental delays), but I was so looking forward to having her here and being able to love on her and give her special attention that she just can't get in a crowded orphanage. And I have to admit, crazy and as far-fetched an idea as this is, I was hoping that somehow God would provide a way through this for me to adopt her someday--despite the long list of reasons why this is impossible (told you I'm a dreamer). So yeah, my plans have been thwarted...but...that just means that God has bigger and better plans for both me and for Christina. Maybe our lives will intersect significantly at some point, or maybe they won't. I have no way of knowing. Either way, though, I can trust God with my future and with hers. He is in control, and He will continue working "all things...together for good", for, from eternity past to eternity future, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Trust in the Lord

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him, and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him." (Psalm 37:3-7a)

As I sit by myself in a bedroom in a house in South Florida –the home of people who, two days ago, I'd never met– I have to admit that I'm a bit frustrated and confused as to why I'm here. Less than 48 hours ago, I received a phone call asking me to come to FL to be ready to go to Haiti as soon as a flight became available (at the time, it was believed we could get a flight out last night–Friday). The purpose of the trip would be to bring the orphans from Notre Maison in Port au Prince to Miami, where Catholic Charities apparently has facilities set up to care for the children. After receiving that call, I spent some time praying and getting advice as to whether or not I should go. By mid-morning, I decided that if God continued to open the doors to make it possible for me to go, I would walk through them. The next few hours are kind of a blur in my mind, but the end result was that within an hour of getting off work Thursday afternoon, I was on my way to the airport to fly to South Florida.

When I arrived in FL, I was picked up at the airport by Dr. Alberto Sosa (an orthopedic surgeon that spent several days last week working in Haiti) and his wife and taken to their home. Since returning from Haiti, Dr. Sosa has been working night and day to collect medical supplies to send back down to Haiti and also to facilitate the evacuation of Haitian orphans. Over the past few days, he has appeared several times on a national Hispanic news station to talk about Haiti and the urgency of caring for the orphans; the hope is that by raising awareness, more people will get involved and thereby the ability to help the children will be increased. Dr. Sosa is hoping to go back to Haiti this weekend with Fernando del Rincón, a news reporter who is also very concerned about the plight of Haiti’s orphans, and to do a report from Notre Maison about the children.

At this point, you may be wondering where I come in (actually, I’m kind of wondering, too). I knew very few details when I got on the plane in Houston; two days later, I still am unsure as to what exactly the purpose in my coming is. Dr. Sosa wanted me down here quickly so that I could be interviewed on the news about my experiences with Haitian orphans and adoptions. Though I was hoping to avoid actually having to be on TV — speaking, and particularly being in front of a camera, is way beyond my comfort zone— I did end up doing the interview last night. Though there is more I could say about that experience (and someday I really should blog about it, since now that it's over, it's fairly hilarious), let’s just say that I am thrilled to have that behind me, and if anything that came out of my mouth made sense and/or is helpful, it’s all by God’s grace and for His glory. I was a nervous wreck, and I honestly don’t remember what I said.

So that was last night. Today, I have spent the day reading my Bible and Candles in the Dark (a collection of letters by Amy Carmichael), praying, looking through the latest news out of Haiti, and waiting for a flight to open up. Midday today, I thought I was going to go, and even went partway to the airport, but that opportunity ended up falling through. And so I came back to this house, wondering why in the world God would bring me this far just to do a 3-minute television interview and to sit in the house of some very wonderful people—but people I don’t even know—with no certainty that I will even get to Haiti or be able to help in any way. I know things could change even in the next few minutes, and I could be on my way to Port au Prince within a few hours, but I have to admit that I’ve had several moments today of doubting the wisdom and necessity of making this trip. And yet, when I’m able to step back from those doubts, I still am convinced that God has me here for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is—maybe I’ll never know—and it could very well be that His plans for me don’t involve going to Haiti right now, but regardless, my time here is not and will not be wasted. If nothing else, this uncertainty and time of waiting is reminding me that everything is in God’s hands anyway; I am utterly helpless to do anything (besides pray, of course). And so, I am focusing on the verses at the beginning of this post; trying to trust and delight in the LORD, to commit myself to Him, and to be still (rather than worry) before Him. If I can do these things, and if this is “all” I get out of this little escapade, it is enough.

From Candles in the Dark:

To one who felt useless,

My first feeling was to write and tell you that you are mistaken, but though I think you are, in part, I won’t write so. Instead, I will say what our heavenly Father said to me long ago, and says to me still very often: ‘See in it a chance to die.’

Perhaps the brave love of God is touching with death the “I” in you, that it may be in very truth ‘not I but Christ’. This is your heart’s desire, your deepest desire, and He counts nothing too much to do, that it may be fully fulfilled. ‘Ponder the voice of my humble desire.’ He has pondered it; He is answering it. So be of good cheer. Don’t heed the devil’s whisper about uselessness. Is he not the father of lies? Why believe a liar? God is working out a most beautiful purpose.

Now good night, and let the Lord give His beloved sleep untroubled by the unkind remarks of the enemy. Believe me, he is not at all trustworthy, and you well know your Lord is. Does He ever break His word? No, never, and He knows that you know it. ‘For Thou, Lord, hast never failed them that fear Thee.’ No, nor ever will.

In loving memory

As many of you know, my mom died last fall--six months ago today, to be exact. On September 4th, early in the morning, she had a stroke; two days later, she went Home to be with Jesus.

Those two days (and some of the days to follow) were some of the scariest, most confusing, and most surreal days of my life. My mom had been healthy; though she'd been having some medical issues in the weeks before she died, the doctors were adamant that the stroke was unrelated, and they could provide no medical reason why this would occur. Additionally, as of this summer, my mom's dream of being more involved in Haiti as a family was beginning to be realized; just before she died, my parents had been accepted as missionaries with Harvest International to launch our ministry, TheLoveWeBreathe. My mom was so excited about this, as she had been praying for years to be able to do something like this.

Why in the world, then, would God allow this to happen? Why would He take such a wonderful, godly, compassionate, loving woman who --we thought-- should have still had many years left on earth? Why would He take someone who so deeply loved and respected her husband that her own sister had never even heard her say a negative word about him? who loved her children so much that, even though she did all she could to ensure the best for them, also loved them enough to let them go when she would have preferred it another way. Why would He take a wife and mother who cared about her family enough to pray His Word daily for each one and to give of herself selflessly in so many [often unrecognized] ways. Why would He take someone who took seriously the call of Psalm 82:3-4, to "defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed...[to] rescue the weak and needy; [and] deliver them from the hand of the wicked"?

Why?

I don't know. I didn't know six months ago, I don't know now, and I don't think I will know the answer to that, at least not this side of Heaven.

Even still, by God's grace I know and I trust that He has a reason. God has a purpose in this, and He will continue to use this for His glory. It may not make sense to me, with my limited understanding, but yet, He has given me peace. He didn't make a mistake; He didn't get distracted with someone else and miss the fact that my mom was having a stroke. He knew. He was right there with her. I read something this morning, actually, that seems to fit here:

Yes, “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me” [Psalm 23:4]. This makes dying such delicious work for the people of God, for especially then, our Jesus will be very near. By death they escape from death, and the moment the death process begins it is no more a death for them to die. When Jesus meets His saints the gloom of death ceases, for in a moment they close their eyes on earth and open them in glory. Beloved, there should be no more bondage because of the fear of death, since Christ is present with His people when they begin the death process that takes them from life to the grave. Jesus strengthens them on their death bed. This has been a great joy to many departing saints. (Charles H. Spurgeon, "Forever with the LORD")

How exciting, really, when you think about it in this way; He did not abandon my mom, and He does not abandon us. He promises that He will be with us, and He is. Always.

Sometime towards the end of September, I came across these verses in Lamentations 3 that were both very timely and very comforting:

²¹But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

²²The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
²³they are new every morning;
^D)">great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in Him."

No matter what happens, no matter how scared or confused I may be, the LORD IS MY PORTION, and I can place my trust and my hope in Him. He truly is the source of all peace and all comfort and all wisdom and all strength; by His grace, I can make it day by day.

When I started this post, I really had no idea what I was going to say; I just knew that I couldn't let this day go by without writing something. One thing that I do want to make sure to say, though, is THANK YOU. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for and with us, brought meals, sent cards, and reached out to us in so many ways over the past six months. Thank you. I apologize for not responding individually to a lot of you, but do know that your kindness has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

And for those of you who were not able to attend the memorial service, here is the slideshow that was played:


Janet Sue Dunwoody Cloutier
November 19, 1960 - September 6, 2008

Yesterday

Yesterday was a busy but good day, for two reasons in particular:

- My Burlap Bible came! I was (and am) very excited about this (as detailed in Sunday's post). :)

For more information on this great cause, visit the website and check out the Facebook group and fan page.

- Also, I came across a sermon by Charles Spurgeon yesterday morning, and although I chose it "randomly," it really was quite timely. Basically, Spurgeon talks about the providence of God and how God is involved not only in the major aspects of life, but also in the itty bitty details of our every moment. It's a great sermon; I highly recommend reading it. In the meantime, though, here is a sample of the text:

[Discussing the way in which God directs our steps] When you have resolved to do a thing, you could not do it any how; it was quite impossible. God turned you another way, and proved that providence is indeed the master of all human events . . . We ought [therefore] to be a bold race of people. What have we to fear? Another man looks up, and if he sees a lightning-flash, he trembles at its mysterious power. We believe it has its predestined path. We may stand and contemplate it; although we would not presumptuously expose ourselves to it, yet can we confide in our God in the midst of the storm. We are out at sea, the waves are dashing against the ship, she reels to and fro; other men shake, because they think this is all chance; we, however, see an order in the waves, and hear a music in the winds. It is for us to be peaceful and calm. To other men the tempest is a fearful thing; we believe that the tempest is in the hand of God. Why should we shake? Why should we quiver? In all convulsions of the world, in all temporal distress and danger, it is for us to stand calm and collected, looking boldly on . . . We are to say—let others say what they please—"I know God is here, and I am his child, and this is all working for my good; therefore will not I fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea."

Just something to think about...

Happy Thursday!

Blank.

It hit me the other day that all of my life, I have had an idea of how my life would look; what I would do, where I would go, how my family would be. Until now.

Now, I don't have a clue--not even a vague outline of what I might be doing six months from now (let alone 6 years or--if I live this long--six decades). When I try to picture my future, I draw a blank. Let me tell you, this is VERY STRANGE for me who has always been a dreamer, as I mentioned in my last post. And it's not so much that I no longer have dreams, exactly; it's more that these dreams have broadened to the extent that I can't really define them. They fall more along the lines of just wanting to be obedient to God and to be filled with the joy and peace that comes from being passionately in love with Him. (I have to stop right here and make it very, very clear that on a day-to-day basis, I fail miserably in achieving this goal; as in, I am NOWHERE close to being able to say that I've been obedient even 50% of the time, or that I've moved very far in the direction of passion for Him. Still, I suppose, by God's grace I am slowly making progress...)

Anyway, as I was thinking about all of this earlier, it occurred to me that, maybe, this is the best possible place for me to be: confused, yes, but open to whatever direction God decides to take me. There isn't really any such thing as "my plans" anymore--they've all disappeared, in one way or another (not that I don't constantly need to be on my guard against coming up with new, non-God-approved plans). I have hopes, of course, but either I cannot see how they possibly could work out (which, of course is based on my very limited human understanding and view of life), or these hopes are fairly general (i.e. I'm not concerned about how specifically they "come to be," if in fact they do). So, who knows what will actually end up happening. Nothing is impossible with God, after all. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true, and deep down inside, I do believe it (though I still need constant reminding). Sorry if this doesn't make a whole lot of sense; I'm guessing that about 2-3 of you who read this will get it, and if anyone beyond those few make it this far into the post, you'll probably think I'm crazy (which I am, so good job!).

All this to say, I currently am not a big fan of any question regarding my future, particularly if it is a school-related question. I have a future; I'm fairly convinced of that. I have no idea how long it will be here on earth or how specifically it will play out, but I truly believe God's promise in Jeremiah 29:11-12 : For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.

So, may I (and you) seek the LORD, call on His Name, and pray to Him, that I (and you) may find Him. Really, that's all that matters.