loved & missed

I am not a theologian or a scholar, but I am very aware of the fact that pain is necessary to all of us. In my own life, I think I can honestly say that out of the deepest pain has come the strongest conviction of the presence of God and the love of God. . . Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for. 

- Elisabeth Elliot

happy mother's day, Mom.

we love and miss you.

21-30

(1-10) (11-20)

21. Encouraging cards (of both the electronic and the paper variety) from dear friends, and unexpected but encouraging phone calls

22. Our very own wireless internet at our apartment (no more huddling by the window trying to catch the one non-password-protected network near our building!); seriously, it is a beautiful thing to be able to sit at my desk and type this!

23. French-pressed Anniversary Blend

24. A lovely Sunday afternoon of cookies and movie-watching with Paul, Everly, and Birdie.

25. My rearranged (and currently quite clean) room; there's just something therapeutic about changing the layout of my room from time to time (yes, I am strange).

26. Prayers of friends, and their patience with me in all of my emotional ups and downs

27. Surviving (andsurprisinglymostlyenjoying) week one of (sort of) being a shift supervisor at work

28. The anticipation of new-to-me old books coming soon in the mail, wrapped in brown paper and tied with a string (how fun is that!)

29. The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him." (Lamentations 3:22-24)

30. 23 years with my wonderful, selfless, giving, loving, amazing, beautiful, godly, incredible mother, who is now in heaven with Jesus

Vulnerable, for what it's worth

my family - December 2006

On this eve of the second anniversary of my mom's death, I don't know what I'm feeling. Or how to feel. Or something. Or nothing. (Don't mind me; I know I'm not making sense.) Three hours ago, I left church nearly in tears. Right now I'm dry-eyed and emotionally flat. I "feel" like I should feel something, like I should be able to muster up some sort of emotion, but I can't. Not that I want to make myself feel some sort of fake sadness, but surely there's something there somewhere; how could there not be? But the nearly-overwhelming grief of a few hours ago has disappeared, which, though, in a way, is a relief, is also unsettling. Why can't I feel anything?

Yet this has been the trend over the last 24 months of my life; sometimes I miss my mom so much I can't hardly breathe, and then other times --even mere moments later-- I'm as unemotional as if this had happened to someone else entirely. I have yet to get over the surreality of losing my mom; much of the time it really does just seem like I'm in someone else's dream or, worse yet, that she was never here in the first place and life has always been as it is. Maybe that's why I usually hate talking about this; it forces me to admit that that part of my life is over -- the part when I talked to my mom every day, regardless of whether we were in the same town or whether I lived 1,000 miles away; the part when regardless of what I was facing or what decision I had to make, she was there to encourage and support me; the part when I always knew that no matter what, my mom loved me and was praying for me. For 23 years and 11 days, she was there for me. And then, all of a sudden and without warning, she was gone.

Coping now, or going on, or whatever you want to call it, can be so paradoxical: most of the time, though I'm not necessarily thinking about it, I know that she's gone; other times, I'll pull a card out of my mailbox and think, for a fleeting moment, that it's from her. Most of the time, I can function like a fairly normal human being; other days, I nearly fall apart over nothing (my sincere apologies to any who witnessed the greater frequency of this a few weeks ago). I don't know if this is normal, or if I just keep going back and forth between under- and over-reacting, or what. What further complicates things (though it probably wouldn't, if I could just manage to not over-think everything) is these times when my emotions don't correspond with how I think I should be feeling and then I wonder how people will view it (as if that truly mattered) if I'm happy on a day that I "should" be sad, or vice-versa.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, besides, perhaps, to attempt to sort out and explain my tangled thoughts. I would much rather write --and post-- something cheerful and positive and uplifting (certainly not something such as this that leaves me so very vulnerable), but at the moment, that wouldn't be real. And I'm tired of pretending that everything's always ok. A lot of the time it is; sometimes, though, it's not. And other times, like right now, I don't really know what it is; it just is.

Anyway, if you've managed to read this far, even if (likely) my ramblings made no sense to you whatsoever, I would appreciate prayers for myself and for my family, particularly tomorrow, as we remember my mom and celebrate her beautiful life. Thanks to all who have already been praying and encouraging and who have just been there to give a hug or to listen or to "weep with those who weep." I love you all and appreciate you so very much.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. (Revelation 21:4)

Multitude Monday

11. Slightly cooler days (which, here in Texas, means highs in the 90s rather than in the 100s)

12. Homemade vanilla bean ice cream, made by my dear friend Sabrina

13. Surviving day-one(ish) of being promoted (despite having little idea what I was doing); along with this, encouragement from friends to allay my fears of failure

14. Long phone conversations with dear friends, sharing both joys and woes and different-yet-the-same dilemmas

15. Goodreads.com and the [re]discovery of so many lovely quotes to be found there

16. The impending visit of a dear friend/pseudo-brother this weekend and the opportunity for a quick phone visit with him today

17. Getting to see the girls from my Bible study again this week, after being scattered throughout the state for the summer

18. Celebrating 9 months today since I moved to Texas!

19. This truth: "But God is the God of the waves and the billows, and they are still His when they come over us; and again and again we have proved that the overwhelming thing does not overwhelm. Once more by His interposition deliverance came. We were cast down, but not destroyed." -- Amy Carmichael

20. Unexpectedly receiving a photo I hadn't seen before of my mom and me in 2007

haiti - march 2007

Happy Monday!

As the heavens are higher

Sometimes...God's ways are not my ways. Ok, fine; MOST of the time His ways are not my ways (and, being that He's God and I'm not, it's very good that He goes with His plans rather than my own). Still, there are times when I'm so hoping for something and have it all worked out in my mind how I think it should happen, only to discover that God has a different plan. This is often--at least initially--quite disappointing. Even though I know in my heart that "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), discovering that things aren't going to happen the way I'd hoped is not a fun or easy thing. And particularly since I'm a "dreamer", I've gone through this little process more times than I'd like to admit.

Thankfully, God has shown me time and time again that even though I might suffer a little disappointment for awhile--or even a fair amount of pain in the more difficult circumstances--He is ALWAYS in control and ALWAYS has something better in store than I could ever imagine. He never makes mistakes; He doesn't turn His head for a second and--oops, that shouldn't have happened! No, He is intimately involved in the details of my life; He knows my hopes and my dreams...and He KNOWS what is best. So though I may be sad or hurt for a time, I can be (and am) confident that I can trust Him. "Though weeping may last through the night, joy comes with the morning" (Psalm 30:5). I don't always know right away why He allows certain things to happen--or not happen, as the case may be--and for some things, I won't know His reasons until I get to heaven. Regardless, though, "I know whom I have believed" (I Timothy 1:12); my God is faithful to fulfill each and every one of His promises, which certainly includes this one: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11). He already knows my future; I don't need to despair even when things don't go as I'd like. God's got it; it's really ok!

Originally, this post was primarily going to be about Christina and some news I got this evening (which I will get to in a minute). As I started writing, though, and as I started thinking more about it (rather than just responding emotionally, as I was initially), a past disappointment--really, the most painful event of my life--came to the forefront of my mind: my mom's death nearly 21 months ago. I don't really have the energy to say a whole lot about that right now (primarily because I'm tired and have to get up for work in another 6 hours), but the main thing is that even though losing my mom was absolutely the most horribly painful and frightening and confusing and just plain awful circumstance I've had to go through (and am still going through), from the first moment I even began to realize that she might die, God gave me the grace to know that He IS IN CONTROL and that HE HAS A PLAN. I don't know why He allowed my mom to die when she did; I hate that it happened. Yet, I know that He has a reason and is bringing good even out of the pain. No, I don't understand...but again, "I know whom I have believed." It all comes down to the fact that He is God, and I am not (and thank goodness for that).

In light of all that, the news I got today now seems relatively minor. And really, it's good news; it just means that some things won't happen as I'd hoped. I took Christina's CT scans to the doctor in Houston this afternoon, and this evening I got an email from him saying that he had already looked at her images and determined that she does not, in fact, have hydrocephalus. Her head is enlarged due to a "developmental anomaly" and she will not require surgery. This is good news--very good news. This means, I think, that her condition is not life-threatening as we had previously been told. So why, you ask, am I blogging about disappointment? Well, it's selfish, primarily--I really, really wanted Christina to come here. Don't get me wrong; I am definitely thrilled that she doesn't have hydrocephalus and should hopefully do well without special medical care (though she still is in need of physical and occupational therapy to help with her developmental delays), but I was so looking forward to having her here and being able to love on her and give her special attention that she just can't get in a crowded orphanage. And I have to admit, crazy and as far-fetched an idea as this is, I was hoping that somehow God would provide a way through this for me to adopt her someday--despite the long list of reasons why this is impossible (told you I'm a dreamer). So yeah, my plans have been thwarted...but...that just means that God has bigger and better plans for both me and for Christina. Maybe our lives will intersect significantly at some point, or maybe they won't. I have no way of knowing. Either way, though, I can trust God with my future and with hers. He is in control, and He will continue working "all things...together for good", for, from eternity past to eternity future, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Honest Scrap Award

Hey look! A new post! Amazing, huh? I must confess that I have not spent very much time reading blogs in recent much, nor have I even contemplated updating my own. Until now, that is, when I came across this lovely little award/tag from the beautiful and talented Everly Pleasant

This is called the "Honest Scrap Award", and basically, I am supposed to write 10 honest facts about myself and then tag 7 bloggers to do the same. So, here goes...

1. In my nearly 24 years of life, I have lived in 8 houses, 7 (soon to be 8) apartments, 2 dorms, and 1 orphanage (volunteering). These places of habitation are located across 2 countries, 4 states, and 7 cities.

2. I am a certified klutz; ask nearly anyone that has ever worked with me. My latest injury includes walking full-force into the sanitizer while transporting a container of disgusting bananas to their ultimate doom (the trash can).

3. Despite the many times that I have moved, I have managed to work for Starbucks for nearly 3 1/2 years now. Thank goodness for a job that allows me to transfer! I have worked at 4 different stores in 3 different states (and this is my second time at the store where I currently work).

4. I desperately miss my churches in Chicago (Grace Church of Dupage) and Tennessee (Grace Community Church) and am very much hoping that I've finally found a similarish church in Gainesville (time will tell).

5. I have a multi-colored family. And we love each other. Usually :) (Oh, and there are a bunch of us...if you ask me how many, I will have to stop and count. Very rarely am I actually able to tell you that I have...5 siblings without having to think about it.)

6. I went on my first mission trip to Haiti when I was 13 and immediately fell in love with the beautiful children. When I got back to the States, I knew that God's plan for my life involves Haiti, and though I don't know exactly how this will play out in the future, thus far it has meant 20+ trips, one semester of living/working in an orphanage, much failing (but hopefully learning from mistakes), irreplaceable friendships, lots of stories, laughter, many tears, seeing Jesus in the eyes of the Least of These, and countless blessings.

7. I love to laugh.

8. I love to read. Some of my happiest memories as a child are of summer days spent on the hammock in our backyard reading book after book after book. Recently, I've been reading some classic children's books (Anne of Green Gables, The Secret Garden, Peter Pan), which has been fabulous.

9. My mom was one of my favorite people in the world, and I miss her more than words can say. She was the most loving, giving, selfless person I've ever known.

10. I am not a big fan of games, be they card games, board games, let's-get-to-know-each-other-games, etc, etc. However, I do very much enjoy Scrabble (yes, I'm a dork, I know) and Apples to Apples (particularly when playing with Caitlin, Caroline, Joe, and Mike).

Ok, so that's 10...and I won't admit how crazy-long that took me to write. But it's done. Yay.

So, for tags...how about:

Cheri Kay

Lovely Rita

Rebecca

Chelsey

Joey

Neverland

Kevin

And, if you're reading this on facebook, consider yourself tagged. Have fun!

In loving memory

As many of you know, my mom died last fall--six months ago today, to be exact. On September 4th, early in the morning, she had a stroke; two days later, she went Home to be with Jesus.

Those two days (and some of the days to follow) were some of the scariest, most confusing, and most surreal days of my life. My mom had been healthy; though she'd been having some medical issues in the weeks before she died, the doctors were adamant that the stroke was unrelated, and they could provide no medical reason why this would occur. Additionally, as of this summer, my mom's dream of being more involved in Haiti as a family was beginning to be realized; just before she died, my parents had been accepted as missionaries with Harvest International to launch our ministry, TheLoveWeBreathe. My mom was so excited about this, as she had been praying for years to be able to do something like this.

Why in the world, then, would God allow this to happen? Why would He take such a wonderful, godly, compassionate, loving woman who --we thought-- should have still had many years left on earth? Why would He take someone who so deeply loved and respected her husband that her own sister had never even heard her say a negative word about him? who loved her children so much that, even though she did all she could to ensure the best for them, also loved them enough to let them go when she would have preferred it another way. Why would He take a wife and mother who cared about her family enough to pray His Word daily for each one and to give of herself selflessly in so many [often unrecognized] ways. Why would He take someone who took seriously the call of Psalm 82:3-4, to "defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed...[to] rescue the weak and needy; [and] deliver them from the hand of the wicked"?

Why?

I don't know. I didn't know six months ago, I don't know now, and I don't think I will know the answer to that, at least not this side of Heaven.

Even still, by God's grace I know and I trust that He has a reason. God has a purpose in this, and He will continue to use this for His glory. It may not make sense to me, with my limited understanding, but yet, He has given me peace. He didn't make a mistake; He didn't get distracted with someone else and miss the fact that my mom was having a stroke. He knew. He was right there with her. I read something this morning, actually, that seems to fit here:

Yes, “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me” [Psalm 23:4]. This makes dying such delicious work for the people of God, for especially then, our Jesus will be very near. By death they escape from death, and the moment the death process begins it is no more a death for them to die. When Jesus meets His saints the gloom of death ceases, for in a moment they close their eyes on earth and open them in glory. Beloved, there should be no more bondage because of the fear of death, since Christ is present with His people when they begin the death process that takes them from life to the grave. Jesus strengthens them on their death bed. This has been a great joy to many departing saints. (Charles H. Spurgeon, "Forever with the LORD")

How exciting, really, when you think about it in this way; He did not abandon my mom, and He does not abandon us. He promises that He will be with us, and He is. Always.

Sometime towards the end of September, I came across these verses in Lamentations 3 that were both very timely and very comforting:

²¹But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:

²²The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
²³they are new every morning;
^D)">great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in Him."

No matter what happens, no matter how scared or confused I may be, the LORD IS MY PORTION, and I can place my trust and my hope in Him. He truly is the source of all peace and all comfort and all wisdom and all strength; by His grace, I can make it day by day.

When I started this post, I really had no idea what I was going to say; I just knew that I couldn't let this day go by without writing something. One thing that I do want to make sure to say, though, is THANK YOU. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for and with us, brought meals, sent cards, and reached out to us in so many ways over the past six months. Thank you. I apologize for not responding individually to a lot of you, but do know that your kindness has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

And for those of you who were not able to attend the memorial service, here is the slideshow that was played:


Janet Sue Dunwoody Cloutier
November 19, 1960 - September 6, 2008