season by season

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me 

Morning by morning I wake up to find 

The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine 

Season by season I watch Him, amazed 

In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways 

All I have need of, His hand will provide 

He’s always been faithful to me. 

Sara Groves

More likely than not, if you talked to me for more than a few minutes at any point between May and August, I probably mentioned (or at least alluded to) my utter dread and anxiety about the upcoming Super Scary and All Too Imminent Fourth Semester {of nursing school} that I was about to begin. From day one of the nursing program (literally, since we walked into orientation), my classmates and I have heard nothing but anxiety-producing things about how hard/awful/stressful/drown-in-a-puddle-of-tears 4th semester is. Needless to say, it was not exactly something I was overly looking forward to. 2nd semester was stressful enough, and I couldn't even comprehend how it possibly (but supposedly) could get worse. Add to that leaving my Haiti home and all of the people I love there and returning to my Texas home just in time to start back to my work and school whirlwind... There were definitely a few days where I merely existed in a daze of Haiti-withdrawal/school dread/emotional meh (ßtechnical term).

Thankfully (oh so thankfully), God has once again been so faithful to move me from that place of being overwhelmed by nearly every little thing  into a place where I am frequently reminded of how very much He has blessed me--in so many ways, but especially with the people He's placed in my life. I am surrounded by so many wonderful and supportive and encouraging people, both near and far, and that truly makes all the difference in the world between drowning in that puddle of tears and being able to "chin up" and keep going on the not so great days. And you know what? The "not so great days" have been much fewer and farther between than I'd feared. That's often true, I guess, that anticipation is worse than reality.

Anyway, all of this to say, I am grateful. Grateful to God for His faithfulness in providing exactly what (and who!) I need in the moment I need it, and grateful to all of you wonderful people -- family, friends, coworkers, customers, fellow church members, classmates, Haiti friends -- who add such joy to my life. So thankful.

In other happy news...

My first niece or nephew will be arriving in Spring 2014 :) Congratulations, Kevin & Danielle!

Paul made the brilliant decision in August to date this amazing girl, and I'm thoroughly enjoying watching their relationship grow. I also got a trip to Nashville and an introduction to Beaver Nuggets out of this deal ;)

Last but certainly not least, this little one turned six in September!

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

always faithful

You were reaching through the storm

walking on the water

even when I could not see

in the middle of it all

when I thought You were a thousand miles away

not for a moment did You forsake me

not for a moment did You forsake me

after all You are constant

after all You are only good

after all You are sovereign

not for a moment will You forsake me

not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark

whispering Your promise

even when I could not hear

I was held in Your arms

carried for a thousand miles to show

Not for a moment did You forsake me

Not for a Moment -- Meredith Andrews

Last Sunday, as I was wrapping up a wonderful week in Haiti (and trying desperately to pretend my time there wasn't so rapidly coming to a close), I tagged along with the fabulous Livesay crew for an amazing time of worship at the Meadows' home. We sang a few songs, and then we spent some time talking about God's faithfulness and how we've seen that play out in our lives. Everyone in the room has undeniably been through some "stuff," but it was so beautiful to hear the stories that were shared of how God has carried each of us through difficult circumstances and has brought so much good even out of the pain. It reminded me of something Beth McHoul had said earlier in the week, about how people who have suffered have a certain depth to them. I don't know that any of us would willingly choose to go through painful times, but yet, there is something to be said for the way God uses suffering to shape us, to strengthen us, to draw us closer to Him -- and, to help us empathize with and have compassion for others who are hurting. What an amazing thing to serve a God who not only sees all of our tears, but who also so faithfully brings beauty from ashes. We may not understand why things happen the way they do, why we must suffer, but it is so comforting to know that just as God heard the cries of the Israelites when they were enslaved to the Egyptians, so He sees and knows our pain, and He is with us. Though things are a bit of a blur from the time right after my mom died, I remember very clearly clinging to these verses and having a surreal sort of peace that, even though it felt like my world was falling apart, God was still in control:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"Therefore, I will hope in him."

Lamentations 3:22-24

I didn't know, and I don't know, why God chose to take my mom when He did. I wouldn't have chosen that, not in a million trillion years. But I do know and can say with confidence that He has shown Himself to be faithful time and time again in my life; how can I not then put my hope in Him?

Originally when I started this post, I was intending to write about how seventeen years ago today, I met my youngest sister. Her life is such a testimony of God's faithfulness; it is absolutely incredible to look back and see the many, many beautiful things He has brought out of her life -- this child, who was born with a life-threatening medical condition and then abandoned at birth and left to die at a Haitian hospital. The very fact that she lived more than a few days (let alone, nearly 18 years and counting) is a miracle of divine intervention, and that's just the very beginning of her story. Unfortunately, as much as I would love to keep writing about that now, I need to get in at least a little bit of studying tonight before I completely collapse in exhaustion from a crazy work day. But, if anyone is interested in knowing a little more about God used Lina's adoption to get our family involved in Haiti, here's a post from a few years ago.

Happy weekend :)

lessons from Christmas break

This post has been several weeks in the making, though this is the first time I've actually sat down and started  to write it. Most of these thoughts have primarily been just that - thoughts - up to this point, though I've had a few conversations with various friends that have touched on some of them. As I head into semester two of nursing school and leave behind the solace which has been Christmas break, I'm already finding myself in need of a reminder of some of the gifts the Lord has given me over the past month, so that I can focus on His goodness rather than on circumstances that all too quickly leave me frustrated and overwhelmed.

By the end of an incredibly hectic semester of adjusting to being a full-time nursing student while continuing to work full-time as well, I really was at the end of myself; I was a mess. Constant busyness, along with several less-than-ideal situations that occurred at both school and work, left me desperate to get to Christmas break and a change of pace. I felt like I was holding my breath as I charged toward the end of the semester, unable to come up for a breath of air until it was all over. I couldn't stop; I didn't have time. So. Much. To. Do. I was tense, I was easily irritated, and I was more stressed out than I even realized.

Mere hours after I finished my last final, Paul and I headed out for Haiti. Crazy, yes, to add the stress of preparing for international travel while finishing up the semester; nonetheless, I am immensely thankful that we left town as soon as it was over. Like I said, I was desperately in need of a change of pace, and God used my time in Haiti to give me that and more.

When we first arrived in Port au Prince, we were asked by several different people what we planned to do during our time in Haiti. Though we both had Haiti-related answers, such as spend time at Heartline and Notre Maison (me), work at Real Hope for Haiti (Paul), and donate blood (both of us), we also each stated that we wanted to rest; we needed to recover from the crazy few months we'd just come through. I am oh so thankful to be able to say that we were able to do all of these things.

There is much I could say about those wonderful two weeks I was able to spend in that country that I love so very much, but if I had to choose just one aspect of this trip to discuss, it would be that God was so incredibly faithful to meet me where I was at - exhausted, hurt, overwhelmed - and lovingly remind me that I can find rest in Him, that He is my strength, and that He loves me and does truly know what's best for me. Without meaning to, I had lost sight of these truths and had been fighting so hard against them; I was trying to prove myself and my ability to just work hard and push through and make things work out my way. (Right. Because that's always super effective.) To an extent, I suppose I succeeded -- but only on the surface. In my heart, I knew I was off base. I knew the things I was doing, the things I accomplished, the place where I allowed my mind to dwell, were more out of a desire to prove myself "worthy" and to fulfill my own plans rather than to see God glorified. I didn't admit that, not even to myself, but looking back, I can see that it's true.

That being said, I am completely confident that I was (and am) supposed to be in nursing school and to continue working at my current job. The Lord has made that so clear, and He has graciously worked in spite of me in both of these areas of my life. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in school, preparing to (hopefully) one day soon be able to serve in Haiti full-time. And I am thankful for the amazing coworkers the Lord has placed in my life; He so often uses them to encourage and humble and challenge and teach me.

So here I am now, heading into my second semester of nursing school; the insanity is about to begin again. This time, though, I want it to be different. Yes, I want (and need) to work and study hard. But I don't want those things to be my primary focus. More than anything, I want to love the Lord, not just in words (which are easy to say) but in every detail of the way I live my life. So if that means working fewer hours or studying a little bit less in order to have more time to focus on my relationship with the Lord, so be it. I would greatly appreciate prayers, though, that I would have the courage to make this a reality. It's one thing to write these things in this moment when the lessons of the past few weeks are fresh on my mind; it's altogether another thing to actually follow through. I know myself too well to think for a second that without divine intervention, anything will change. I desperately need the Lord to continue working on my heart, drawing me to Him and enabling me to be obedient to His Word. Will you pray with me for that?

Maybe at some point I will actually give a recap of my time in Haiti and the wonderful people I was able to see and the fun things I was able to do; originally I thought that's where I was going with this post. However, I think I really needed to finally put in writing some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind these past several weeks. Regardless of whether anyone ever reads this, my hope is that this post will serve as an impetus for me to make the aforementioned changes and not fall back into life as it was last semester. So here's to a new year, a new semester, and a renewed desire to love and serve the Lord.

Change

Oh change.  I have to say, I am not a fan--which sounds funny coming from me, the perpetual "nomad" who has barely managed to live in one state for more than a year at a time since high school.  (I must say, though, as I come up on my second anniversary of moving to Texas, there is definitely something to be said for staying in one place!)  But change...change is full of uncertainties.  Things unknown, not yet experienced.  Questions.  And change, however good and exciting it may be, is inevitably accompanied by loss--loss of what was known, what was comfortable, what was.  Yet life goes on.  

One of my favorite books* as a child tells the story of a little girl who gives away her prized possession--a ballerina doll--to another little girl from a poor family:

That night, Christmas Eve, the canopy doll bed was empty, and Robin cried.  The stars outside her room shone like jewels on black velvet.  Robin thought about the Christmas star and how God had given Jesus on the first Christmas.  Suddenly her gift to Ellen seemed good, too, and peace replaced her longing.

The next morning, Christmas, Robin receives a special teddy bear, one she had seen and loved in the toy shop window.  Robin's mother tells her, "When something valuable goes out of your life, something more precious enters."

I think of that story, as I reflect on the changes of the past few years...the people I've known and the seasons of life that have come and gone...and while I wouldn't say that any one of them has been replaced by those who are more precious, I am so grateful that the Lord continues to bless me by the (yes, precious) people He places in my life and through the different experiences He allows me to have.  Oh so grateful.  He is ever-faithful.

And so now, as I see yet more changes on the horizon and am facing decisions that could radically shift life as I currently know it, I remember that He who holds my future is the same God who has directed my past, the same God who has given oh-so-abundantly and who has shown me that even when my whole world is shaken, He is with me, and He is in control.  Questions? unknowns? even loss? change?  I don't face any of it on my own; what's more, He guides my steps and promises to "keep in perfect peace [the one] whose mind is stayed on [Him]" (Isaiah 26:3).  What else could I possibly need?  And why should I fear?  May I ever remember the truths in this song:

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hands hath provided
Great is they faithfulness, Lord unto me

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest;
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To thy great faithfulness, mercy and love

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hands hath provided
Great is they faithfulness, Lord unto me

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hands hath provided
Great is they faithfulness, Lord unto me

* A Bear Named Song, by Kimberly Anne Shope. This book is actually a beautiful story of adoption--I highly recommend it!